


This and That

by evilythedwarf



Category: Grey's Anatomy
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-10-18
Updated: 2011-10-18
Packaged: 2017-10-24 18:11:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 766
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/266393
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evilythedwarf/pseuds/evilythedwarf
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In which I answer the question: "Everyone has an idea of backstory and what drives each character, what's yours?"</p>
            </blockquote>





	This and That

This is what she remembers: being three and alone and pulling a red suitcase behind her; crashing into her grandma's arms and crying her little heart out because her mother didn't love her.

This is what happened: it was too much, sometimes, and when Izzie cried for no reason at all and pulled a temper trantum, her mother was too tired and too sad and toodamn young to be feeling so old and she kicked her out. She watched as her little girl walked all the way to her grandma's house and she felt nothing but relief when she saw her walk in the door.

\- - -  
Izzie learned early that the parent/child dynamics don't always work out as intended and she grew up fast to make up for the growing up her mother never did. She learned to be everything she needed to be and she swore herself she'd never get as broken and lost as her mom had. That didn't work out so well but then, nothing really turned out the way she wanted. And now Izzie is... not exactly what she thought she would be but not exactly like her mother either. She's in this limbo between what she wanted and what was expected of her and it's hard, most of the time, to figure out what she's supposed to do with this life she's living. Sometimes, when she wakes up and she can barely remember who she is and why she gets up in the mornings, Izzie remembers the day she walked away from home, the very first time, and knows that she gets up every morning because Izzie needs to live her own life and be her own person and if that's hard, well, she wouldn't know what to do with easy.

\- - -

This is another thing she remembers: her father's hand wrapped around her own and her mother's hand waving goodbye.

This is something she wishes she'd remember: the world seen from up her daddy's shoulders, his laugh, knowing what it was like to trust him.

\- - -

He left, again and again and again until she stopped waiting for him to come back and one day, when she was too old to forget and forgive, he came looking for her to say goodbye. He was moving away and it made no difference at all because at 15 and two years after the last time she'd seen him, she had learned not to need him anymore. She was 12 weeks pregnant and didn't tell him; he didn't deserve to know. He made her promise she would call; she never did. And now she tells herself it doesn't hurt when she hears from a friend of a friend about how well he's doing and how charming his kids are. She also tells herself she doesn't hate him for leaving her.

\- - -

This, she wishes so hard she could forget: the stick turning blue and the certainty that nothing would ever be the same again.

This, she will never forget: graduation day and she was still that girl who got knocked-up, her mom not being there, her grandma crying she was so proud.

\- - -

She worked her ass off and eventually, she wasn't Izzie from the trailer park anymore, she was Izzie the hot model who probably slept her way through college, and that was alright. She didn't let anyone in and dated men who reminded her of no one and tried to pretend the first 18 years of her life never happened. Izzie was beautiful, was smart, was charming and nice and sweet but none of that ever made the heartache go away and the day she stepped foot in Seattle Grace for the first time, she was just this side on giving up on the carefully constructed person she'd planned out to be. But there were the same stares and the same whispered "what is she doing here anyway?" and it was just fuel for the slowly burning yearn to be what she always wanted to be, stronger enough to be able to walk through life with the tons of and tons of hurts on her shoulders without them crushing her and burying her in the ground.

\- - -

This is what she wanted to be: strong, good, kind, smart enough to to get hurt.

This is what she thinks she is: weak, bad, self-centered, stupid enough to let herself get hurt again and again.

This is what she fears the most: one day, her smile is going to fail her and she'll get stuck, and there will be no one there to get her out.

[the end]


End file.
